Detective John Johnson and Officer Billy-Bob Frudge were driving towards the scene of the crime.
"Well," said John, "What do you think about this one, Billy-Bob?"
"Frankly, I'm glad... he was a menace to society and caused a lot of trouble." said Billy-Bob... "However, I'll do my best to bring the murderer to trial and see to it that he gets justice... be it 20 years to life or a medal to wear on his chest"
"Look," said John, "here we are at the Cheney home... "
They got out of the car and walked up to the door.
"Nice job you have done with the police crime scene tape, Officer Jimenez, the bows on either side of the door do add a festive atmosphere."
"Thanks, Sir, I try to make a fine crime scene wherever I go." said Officer Jimenez.
A Reporter jumped out of the bushes and shouted:
"Detective Johnson, Detective Johnson, do you have a statement for the press? Any Suspects? asked "Ace" reporter Clark Kentmeisterslammerdammerdingdong.
"Get REAL, Clark, We just got here." Said John. "However, we have narrowed down the list of suspects... Got a Phone Book? It's likely to be one of those people... or maybe, he's UNLISTED!"
Then they walked into the house.
"Hay, Car-rumba!" shouted John, "What's that smell?"
"Like Lynyrd Skynyrd said, it's the Smell of Death Surrounding us... come over here into the computer room. Look, there is the body. Oh my GOD! BAAAAROOOOUGHCKIOOCHIOOOOFFFFF" and Officer Frudge vomited on The Body of Dick...
"Now look what you've done. You've disturbed the crime scene... How can we do big time professional crime scene investigating if your just going to barf all over the body of Dick?
"Sorry," said Officer Frudge "It's just that I've never seen such astonishing violence... I guess we can tell the cause of death... someone whacked Dick Cheney with a long handled ax about 40 times... and THERE IT IS in the corner"
"You're right! A clue! Put it in an evidence bag... and we want fingerprints from that, call the print team on the phone."
"But, but, but, we don't have an evidence bag that big..."
"That's OK, I bet the Widow Cheney has a leaf bag we can borrow... Let's go ask her."
They call the print team and walk into the other room.
"Good Afternoon, Widow Cheney, this is Officer Frudge and I'm Detective John Johnson"
"Pleased to meet you, care for some punch and cookies?" asked The Widow Cheney.
"Why thanks, is there a place where we could ask you some questions? In comfort, without that smell?
"Of course, let's all go out to the back porch... Maria, bring out some lemonade for our guests".
"Certainly, Mum"
They all walked out to the back porch... and the print team walked in the front door...
"Holy Mackerel," shouted Print Tech #1 "What's that smell?"
"Like Lynyrd Skynyrd said, it's the Smell of Death Surrounding us..." said Print Tech #2. "and look at this... BAROOFAOOGOBOOGOOAAAASHORFURFULTZ" and he barfed all over The Body of Dick.
"Great," said Print Tech #1, "now you've disturbed the crime scene. We're in trouble now"
"Sorry, but it looks like quite a few people have already barfed on the Body of Dick... and look at this, the head is missing! How do they even KNOW if this is really The Body of Dick??? It could be Tom or Harry!"
"I get your drift." said print tech #1 "Look at this, another clue!"
"You are right. When you bumped the mouse on the computer, a word processing document appeared. Let's get Detective John..."
They ran out and got Detective john and all read it...
"Dear citizens of the year 2009...
We are time travelers from the distant future commissioned with cleaning up the errors of the past in order to create a more perfect union. Sadly, our machine has malfunctioned and instead of arriving in 1969 before the Evil Dick Cheney had done damage to the Human Race, we arrived in 2009. However, we are making the best of a bad situation and will kill him now. Later we will try again and aim for a time period BEFORE he has had a chance to do all that evil. Sorry... Your Friends from the Distant Future: Sally42 and Sarah5150."
"Officer Frudge, what do you make from this clue?" said Detective John Johnson.
"Frankly sir, I think it's Bogus. I feel like it is left here to lead us away from the real killer and/or killers. Print it out and put it in the leaf bag with the long handled ax. We might be able to use it to feed absurd stories to the press... Keep 'em out of our way..." said Officer Frudge
"Let's get back to interrogating The Widow. As you know, she is the most likely suspect so far. It's almost always family or someone with a motive."
They retired to the back porch and Detective John Said...
"Widow Cheney, did you husband have any ENEMIES? anyone that would want him dead?"
she sighed...
"As you may already know, there are millions of people worldwide that had a motive. He caused pain and suffering wherever he went. I think the most likely suspects would be soldier's families... Of the over 4,000 soldiers that died in Iraq, I bet there are some angry family members that want to take revenge... Or maybe it's a family member from the million Iraqi's that died... The list is long... Maybe it's the owner of the hardware store in town, Dick went down there last week and raised HELL in front of the customers because he bought a screwdriver and there was no instruction manual to show how to operate it... and he was upset and frustrated so he went to town and yelled at the shopkeeper."
"Thanks for your time, Widow Cheney. By the way, is this your book? "101 Ways to Kill your Husband and Get Away with It" by The Widow "X"???
"Oh, NO. That is NOT my book... It's owned by the PUBLIC LIBRARY!" said The Widow Cheney.
"Well, did you check it out?" asked John
"Actually, that's nunya beeswax... Nobody has the need to know what books I check out from the Library!"
"I'm sorry to correct you Widow Cheney, but ever since the passage of The Patriot Act we CAN look at your records... According to the LAW, We DO have a need to know what you read."
"Yes, Detective Johnson, My Husband was a big CHAMPION of that law... you are right, you do have the Authority to look at my library records but NO ONE has ever actually exercised that particular power... They would be ridiculed in the press for months! The value of the records is tiny in comparison to the Public Relations Disaster it would cause... Anyway, It's Maria's Book." said the Widow Cheney.
"AH HA!" said Officer Frudge. "Another clue... Maria has no husband... just the unknown father of her son Richard... and she can't read ENGLISH."
"By the way, Did he leave a will?" asked John Johnson... "We'll get back to you on that, Widow Cheney"
Then they left the house and drove down to the hardware store...
"Look, there are cameras on the front of the store." Said Officer Billy-Bob Frudge.
"You're Right, I bet we can see who bought an ax recently and that's who the killer is. Thank God for security cameras, they have made the world a better place to live for detectives!" said Detective John Johnson.
"Not only for detectives," replied Officer Frudge "They have made the world a better place for VOYEURS! Ever since the Evil Bush made spying on Americans popular, Peeping Toms that work for three letter government agencies have been rejoicing... "
"Yes, that's true Officer Frudge. Let's see the tape and maybe we can do some rejoicing ourselves."
They walked into the hardware store, introduced themselves to the owner and sat down in the office to review the security tape.
"Check this out, it's got four cameras all on one screen... There is a view of the front door from inside the store, a view of the cash register, a view of the back door from inside the warehouse and what appears to be the Ladies restroom." said John Johnson.
Many hours of boring video passed... snores were heard from John Johnson... when suddenly...
"Well I'll be DAMNED! Look at this!" shouted Billy-Bob.
"What?"
"It looks like your Mother has just entered the Ladies room and has removed a vibrator from her purse."
"What!"
"And now she's riding it like a wild horse!"
"Stop this tape!" shouted John Johnson "There isn't any valuable evidence on it. Erase it and let's get back to searching for clues... our work here is finished."
"Dang, I was getting ready to publish it on YOUTUBE... but if you're sure there isn't any evidence..."
"Hey, look at this, there's a guy dressed in camo stealing an ax from the store... What's up with that??? Let's ask the owner if he knows who it is."
They interview the owner and he says he saw the guy in camo clothes take the ax but figured that he should just write off the loss because it might not be wise to anger a crazy man with an ax... After all, he might have just needed the ax to cut firewood for a campfire... No one knows who the camo-guy was and he hasn't been seen since...
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So, the plot thickens... Who done it? stay tuned, I'll write more later
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Note to self... self, write the rest of the story...
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Remember to add a paragraph to the story about:
The Last Will and Testament and housekeeper's son, Richard getting a half a million... he looks like Dick... possible motive?
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Include a phone interview with Cheney's daughter. Alibi=O.K. She's at the hang gliding/reefer growing commune on Maui. Having a great time. She had plenty of motive (but she got dad to stop molesting her by slicing off his penis with a sharp knife: hense the nickname "Dick") but no opportunity.
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Remember to add a scene about:
Torturing the hardware store owner until he confesses... to everything... he killed the Kennedy brothers and Martin Luther King, flew an airplane into the Pentagram on 9/11/2001, invented AIDS while working at Aberdeen Proving Grounds in Maryland, filmed Astronauts walking on the MOON at Warner Brothers Studio in LA, was a Manson Family Singer... etc, etc, etc... They had a quickie "military" trial with no lawyers or defense... locked him up until an "accidental" death...
Case closed.
The answer to the TITLE QUESTION IS:
No one shot Dick Cheney, he did the shooting... of his lawyer!
The End...
But what ever happened to "CAMO-GUY" ???
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