<head>
<script language="JavaScript">
// My Shrink in a Box program
// a psychobabble generator
// like having a conversation with a mental health professional
// except that it's FREE!
// how to use it...
// Copy all the javascript code and paste it into notepad
// save the file as shrink-in-a-box.html (the DOT HTML is required)
// click on the dropdown box - save as ALL FILES (not txt)
// open the file with a browser to use the program
// type questions in the top box
// click on the enter button
// read answers in the bottom box
<!-- This script has been modified greatly but was based on funny random quote... -->
<!-- The JavaScript Source!! http://javascript.internet.com -->
<!-- Begin
function gene(form) {
day = new Date()
hr = day.getSeconds()
if (hr == ("0"))
tag=("Many people have had the same problem. They have found that talking about it helps. Sometimes, they have found that STRANGLING the idiot that is turning their life into a living HELL is more benificial... Please continue.")
if (hr == ("1"))
tag=("I comprehend what you are saying. Often, the solution is to change your way of life. Have you considered a radical rethinking of your goals? For example: Have you considered that you should have goals AT ALL? Many people wander without direction for their entire life simply doing what they are told. It is possible that the people that are giving directions HAVE AN AGENDA THAT USES YOU AS A TOOL TO ACCOMPLISH THEIR GOALS without any concern about your goals.")
if (hr == ("2"))
tag=("To get to the root of this, We will have to explore your childhood. Did you love your mother? Did you love MY mother? Did you love RANDOM STRANGERS mothers? Did you love FREUD's mother? ARE YOU FREUD's MOTHER reincarnated as a fully functioning robot clone pretending to be an actual person...")
if (hr == ("3"))
tag=("Have you ever had a dream about this subject? Why don't you share with me any recurrent dreams you have... Especially the ones that are really TWISTED and BIZARRE... I love reading those... ")
if (hr == ("4"))
tag=("I see. That does not seem to be an unsolvable problem. Have you tried talking it over with your friends? What do they think? Have you tried talking it over with your imaginary playmates? What about the people that only you can see? I often watch people on the street having long conversations with invisible people... or maybe they are just using a cell-phone...")
if (hr == ("5"))
tag=("Of course, a conversion to Zen Budhism couldn't hurt. Why not spend some time at a retreat? Many people have found help by chanting MANTRAs. They repeat a short phrase written in a foreign language until they achieve enlightenment. Try it now. Repeat this phrase... OHWAH TOFU LIAM...OHWAY TOFU LIAM...OHWAH TOFU LIAM... OH WHAT A FOOL I AM.")
if (hr == ("6"))
tag=("If you explained that statement in greater detail I would be able to help you more. Of course, you could just help yourself and skip all this nonsense...")
if (hr == ("7"))
tag=("Try closing your eyes and visualizing a sunny warm beach. That should make you more relaxed and comfortable. If that does not help, try visualizing swimming in a lake of fire for all eternity. THAT should give you peace of mind. NOT!")
if (hr == ("8"))
tag=("Uh huh. I've felt that way myself. As a matter of fact, almost everyone has had that feeling. Isn't it comforting to realize that you are not alone. EVERYONE ELSE is INSANE TOO! WHEE! I'm MAD, YOU'RE MAD, WE'RE ALL MAD! What are you going to DO about it? I'm going to go to the window and shout...I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! What ELSE is on your mind?")
if (hr == ("9"))
tag=("Relax, take a deep breath and remember that you are not alone. You can always count on your ONLINE PSYCHOBABBLE GENERATOR to pretend that he is listening to you.")
if (hr == ("10"))
tag=("Have you always felt this way? It may seem strange at first, but it is possible to take control of your own life. Stop doing what you are told and think for yourself. TYPE YOUR FIRST THOUGHT IN THE BOX ABOVE. NOW! RIGHT NOW!")
if (hr == ("11"))
tag=("Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else. That is one of the great mysteries of life. Another mystery is... How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? Fortunetly we now know the answer. According to the sage Homer Simpson the answer is 7.")
if (hr == ("12"))
tag=("Try to understand the other persons point of view. Could you try and explain their side to me? Or would you rather just scream at them until they agree with you? ")
if (hr == ("13"))
tag=("A couple of years ago I had a patient with a similar problem. He is doing well now. I see you recovering fully soon.")
if (hr == ("14"))
tag=("OH NO! NOT THAT! CALL 911 NOW!")
if (hr == ("15"))
tag=("There are places you can go to find help with this. Try a 12 step program. If that does not help, try a 13 step program.")
if (hr == ("16"))
tag=("If you step back from this and look at the problem from a different perspective the answer may be forthcoming. Lets explore that avenue now. What would an impartial observer say?")
if (hr == ("17"))
tag=("I would do something completely different. That way you won't be worrying about it so much. ")
if (hr == ("18"))
tag=("I can see your point. At one time or another, everyone has done that. However, if it causing you stress and anxiety, I recommend stopping. ")
if (hr == ("19"))
tag=("DON'T PANIC! well, maybe just a little panic...")
if (hr == ("20"))
tag=("let's see why you feel that way, When you were growing up did you &%@@# ^&*$**& ???")
if (hr == ("21"))
tag=("VERY INTERESTING! Why did you come here in the first place? Why not just copyright that thought and sell it for a million dollars?")
if (hr == ("22"))
tag=("That reminds me of an old Saying... People are strange... when you're a stranger... faces look ugly... when you're alone... women seem wicked, when you're unwanted... streets are uneven when you're down... SEE? Jim Morrison took his mental problems and turned them into a business. Then he faked his own death and retired to a comfortable life of leisure. Why not do the same?")
if (hr == ("23"))
tag=("Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right. Have you been looking in any strange places recently? Since you have already tried looking in NORMAL places, and that did not work...")
if (hr == ("24"))
tag=("Try a little tenderness. If that does not work, Try a BONK ON THE HEAD WITH A GIANT APPLE.")
if (hr == ("25"))
tag=("A little paranoia is just common sense. Remember, even schizophrenics have enemies... I always find comfort in realizing that I AM NOT SO SIGNIFICANT that the FBI or the CIA would bother to tap my phone.")
if (hr == ("25"))
tag=("Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.")
if (hr == ("26"))
tag=("Don't worry, Be Happy... What a ridiculous saying. If life was that simple, all us in the Therapy game would have to go out and earn a living doing actual work. ")
if (hr == ("27"))
tag=("I used to have a handle on life, then it broke off. Sometimes it seems that as soon as I GET WITH THE PROGRAM, someone changes the CHANNEL. Has that ever happened to you?")
if (hr == ("28"))
tag=("Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. It is a good idea to have a little fun along the way. It feels good to do something useful too. That way when you look back on your life you can say... I made a difference...")
if (hr == ("29"))
tag=("Don't suffer from insanity. Enjoy every minute of it. ")
if (hr == ("30"))
tag=("A WISE MAN ONCE SAID... OUCH! it really hurts when I hit my thumb with a hammer... Then he STOPPED bashing himself and eventually the pain went away... Have you considered simply stopping behavior that causes you pain?")
if (hr == ("31"))
tag=("Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. This is not a quote from St, Francis He said... It's better to UNDERSTAND than to BE UNDERSTOOD. Do you understand?")
if (hr == ("32"))
tag=("Have you tried hypnotic regression therapy? It could be useful in your case. Travel back in time to your early childhood and remember all those things you forgot.")
if (hr == ("33"))
tag=("Women, are they a mistake or did GOD do it to us on purpose? A great quote from Saint Jack Nicholson... I wonder if there are any similar quotes from the ladies point of view? Tell me one if you know it.")
if (hr == ("34"))
tag=("Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check? Some people have found that a good way of life is to get a Social Security Disability Payment due to INSANITY. Those people are said to recieve a NUTCHECK. When the going gets wierd the wierd turn pro. Look into this. It's free money from the government.")
if (hr == ("35"))
tag=("To quote the Reverand Jack Nicholson... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.")
if (hr == ("36"))
tag=("What you said reminds me of TWO absolutely true facts... 1. All you need is love 2. Bop Bop a lula a long bam boom...TUTTI FRUITY OH ROOTIE HOO! Did you ever notice that all the philosophy you ever need is contained in ROCK MUSIC LYRICS?")
if (hr == ("37"))
tag=("I see, said the blind carpenter, and he picked up his hammer and saw. It seems unlikely that the wisdom of the EAST will be of much use here in America. The budists say that all life is suffering. That may be true in INDIA, but here in the USA it is clearly false. Sometimes we have fun. Try eating a cheeseburger while watching television. SUFFERING? NOT!")
if (hr == ("38"))
tag=("All generalizations are false, including this one. Any advice that you get from this PSYCHOBABBLE generator is the personal philosophy of greGVan. WHY DON'T YOU WRITE YOUR OWN AND THE ANSWERS WILL BE MORE RELEVANT TO YOU.")
if (hr == ("39"))
tag=("Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It may be necessary to try a different direction for your life. If you keep on doing what you have been doing all along, it may become an obsolete lifestyle. It is required that a person learn to surf the waves of unpredictable events that we call reality. Have you found this to be true or am I (the expert) wrong?")
if (hr == ("40"))
tag=("quit doing that. Next problem please...")
if (hr == ("41"))
tag=("That sounds to me like a problem that is being taken WAY too seriously. If I were you, I would not worry so much about something that is not FATAL. If you wake up tomorrow morning you will realize that NONFATAL problems are really trivial. ")
if (hr == ("42"))
tag=("Are you sure? ")
if (hr == ("43"))
tag=("Look on the bright side, There must be at least one thing that you can be grateful for. Search your innermost feelings and find ONE THING. Go ahead and type that one thing into the computer and you will feel better.")
if (hr == ("44"))
tag=("Remember, 90% of all statistics are made up. If you put a lot of value in advise that you get from experts, you may become confused and irritable. The TALKING HEADS that a person sees on television often give opinions that are completely bogus. The best path to follow is to blase your own trail.")
if (hr == ("45"))
tag=("A man needs a good memory after he has lied. A woman needs a fish on a bicycle. ")
if (hr == ("46"))
tag=("A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over. If you view life from a simplistic perspective, you can eliminate much of the unneeded confusion. For example: No one in the history of the world has figured out if God is real. You probabbly will not find the answer to this question either. Therefore, It is not a good idea to put a lot of worry and stress into this question. Relax and enjoy. NEXT! ")
if (hr == ("47"))
tag=("A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. ")
if (hr == ("48"))
tag=("You have a point there. I believe it is valid. In my experience, I have found that having an understanding of even a tiny part of the overall question is of tremendous value. You can build upon that foundation. Let's take the next step. O.K. ? ")
if (hr == ("49"))
tag=("I understand. AHH... isn't that why people go to a psychiatrist... so they can get a person to say... I UNDERSTAND...")
if (hr == ("50"))
tag=("You can't always get what you want.Sometimes, you just might find... you get what you need... What do you need? A spanking? Have you been naughty? ")
if (hr == ("51"))
tag=("That reminds me of a story. There was this man that stole a half a million dollars from the bank he worked at. He had the job of filling the automatic tellers with money and one day he just drove off. The police found his dead body in a motel with a couple of empty bottles of whiskey. He finally had enough money to do whatever he wanted to do and it killed him. Does this story remind you of anything in your own life?")
if (hr == ("52"))
tag=("If you tell me any more stories like that I'll have to snargle your garthrop and then haroo papachinko")
if (hr == ("53"))
tag=("O.K. I can see that you have got some trouble there. I recommend that you change the things that you can change. Accept the things you cannot change. You may find some serenity doing this. What CAN you change?")
if (hr == ("54"))
tag=("If I were you I'd get up and BOOGIE. Then next week at your group therapy session you will have something to talk about.")
if (hr == ("55"))
tag=("forget about all that. Just remember that often a safe place to sleep and enough food is all you need for happiness.")
if (hr == ("56"))
tag=("COINCIDENCE happens. Sometimes, coincidence is the universes way of trying to help you. Waves of seemingly random events can be ridden to glory. Opportunity can knock but YOU have to open the door. PAY ATTENTION and look for lucky breaks. Have you read the Celestine Prophesy ?")
if (hr == ("57"))
tag=("I realize that it appears to be THE END OF THE WORLD and you have a MAJOR CRISIS on your hands but, if you just relax and wait a little while, sometimes these problems have a way of solving themselves. Years from now, you may look back and realize that things were not as bad as you first thought. Do you agree?")
if (hr == ("58"))
tag=("Remember, ALWAYS CONSIDER THE SOURCE. For example: If you go to a psychiatrist and you get better then you will no longer need to go to him for help. He will LOSE A CUSTOMER and suffer a financial loss. THEREFORE, he has a financial incentive to keep you sick. Do you understand? What do you think about this?")
if (hr == ("59"))
tag=("If all else fails... try reading the instructions. What I believe this means is... FIRST, try to solve your problem WITHOUT reading the instructions and then IF THAT FAILS then ask for help. Does this make sense to you?")
form.tagline.value=(tag)
form.tagline1.value=""
form.tagline1.focus()
}
// End -->
</script>
</head>
<!-- STEP TWO: Put this code into the BODY of your HTML document -->
<body background="shrinkme.jpg" bgcolor="#3366ff" link="#000000" text="#000000" vlink="#000000">
<table bgcolor="eeeeee" border="2" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="3">
<tr><td align="center">
<h3>
Type any Questions, Comments or RANTS you may have into the TOP box. <br />
Click on Enter... The Program will then give you FREE ADVICE. Whee!<br /><br />
It's like a conversation... You type a little, We type a little... What you type does not always have to be in the form of a
question. We expect statements, stories, lies, dammed lies,
STATISTICS and profanity... It's your session, do what you
want... Have fun and get well soon!</h3>
</td></tr>
</table>
<center>
<form>
<h3>
<table>
<tr>
<td> <input name="tagline1" size="70" type="text" />
</td>
<td><b><kbd></kbd></b></td>
<td><input onclick="gene(this.form)" type="button" value="ENTER" /></td>
</tr>
</table>
<br />...
<textarea cols="70" name="tagline" rows="12">
</textarea>
</h3>
</form>
</center>
<br /><h3>
DISCLAIMER:
This is not intended to replace actual psychobabble with a
certified health care professional charging you BIG BUCKS to
chat endlessly about your trivial problems. They have spent
years in college and thousands of dollars to get the training
required to listen to you whine and then say... UH HUH, TELL ME
MORE ABOUT THAT. <br />
<center>
<span style="font-family: arial, helvetica;">Free JavaScripts provided<br />
by <a href="http://javascriptsource.com/">The JavaScript Source</a></span>
</center>
</h3>
</body></div>
</div>
.jpg "apple puzzle - think outside the box")
%20(1).jpg)
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%20(1).jpg)
