TELEVISION SCRIPT: Allah and Moe Were Drinking a Beer at The Mecca Bar and Grill When Suddenly... (Absurdist Fiction by Gregory Vanderlaan)

In walked Angry Boy...

"Well, Look, Moe Ham Mad, It's Brett Kava Kava NOOGIE! When did you get Out, Brett?" - said Allah

"Arrgh!" - Said Angry Boy

"Oh, don't be like that Brett, We're Your Friends" - Said Moe

"Arf Arf Arf" - Said Angry Boy

"DUCK!" - Said Allah "It's Dick Cheney and he's Got a Gun!"

"BLANG BLANG BLANG A Rat a Tat Tat" - Said Dick with his GUN.

The Bartender Grabbed his Face and slid under the Bar...

"Oh Great, you Numbskull, Now we will have to serve our own Beer..." - Said Moe Ham Mad.

BANG BANG BANG Said Dick...

and when the smoke cleared, Dick Cheney was lying Dead on the Floor and Condoleezza Rice was Standing over him with her own GLOCK .45 with a snide grin on her face...

"I've wanted to do that for years... Where is Ronald Dumbsfield? He's on my little list too... They made me look like an accessory to mass murder... like I was one of the Manson Family..."

Then George W [The American Idiot]  said... "Please find in in your heart to forgive them Condi... after all, they were really just following my directions... and George Tenet's LIES"

 BANG BANG BANG  BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG said Condi Rice "Eh? What did you say? I'm Having trouble understanding you with all those bullet holes... and I don't like the directions you gave ME either. So There! Were Even. "

"Blargle Fargle Blorp" - said George W - "I'm Melting"

"That reminds me of a Story." - Said Allah... - "It's all about Remembering US, Allah and Moe...
In the beginning, Sam Houston said 'Remember the Alamo!' and the Texans DID remember US Both, Allah and Moe... "

"Oh that's Just BullSH*T" - said Condi Rice - Sam Houston never even KNEW you... and if he did, he wouldn't care is you were remembered or not because YOU ARE A BOGUS GOD... Allah, Allah, All Come Home Free is part of a Children's Hide and Seek game... and the ONLY seeking you will do is with a HEAT SEEKING MISSILE."

"OH YEAH?" - said Allah

"Yeah." - Said Condi. "Neener, neener, neener... You're a Bogus God..."

When Suddenly the Floor Vanished and they all started falling towards HELL...

"So, You Think I'm A Fake God... Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha... Where Do You Think I Get All Those Virgins From That the Faithful Receive Upon Martyrdom? You're One Now!" - Laughed Allah

"But I'm Not A Virgin" -  Objected Condi

"Ahh, Close Enough... You are so Hot that The 'True Believers' won't Quibble... Remember Moe Ha Ha Mar Quid-ah FREE? He was attracted to you... And He was One of the Devout... " - Explained Allah

"Welcome to Hell, Condi." - Said Donald Rumsfeld

"But, But, But Why are YOU Here? You Aren't Even Dead Yet." - Whined Condi

"True but My Entire Life Has Been a Living Hell... That's Why I was Compelled to Murder So Many People... " - Said Ronald Dumbsfeld

"And I'm George W..." - Said George W.

"And I'm Dick Cheney...' - Said Dick Cheney

"And I'm SO CONFUSED." - Said Condi Rice - "So Motherf*cking Confused."

and in stepped JESUS, the One True God...

"Take my Hand." - Said Jesus - "Hi Ho Silver AWAY!"

and they flew, and they flew, and they flew, Up Up Up to Heaven Itself!

as Condi looked around she realized it was NOT EXACTLY as advertised in her Church Sunday School...

"Look" she said, "There are Gay People, and Buddhists, and DOGS, and a Tyrannosaurus REX eating a Tofu Burger - WTF"

and Jesus Said - "Yes, my Dear... We allow all who DID GOOD DEEDS during their lifetime to live here forever... It has nothing at all to do with ACCEPTING ME as your Personal Savior... All the Gods are Here... Zoroaster, Allah, Buddha, KRSNA, The Flying Spaghetti Monster... "

"But, but, but how can Allah be here in Heaven and In Hell at the same time?" asked Condi.

"Timeshare" said Jesus "Just like your Laptop can download Cyber Porn and Post to Twitter at the Same Time. Oh, I Guess that wasn't the perfect example but you get the Idea..."

AND THE HEAVENS SHOOK...

"Jesus, it's time to Stop Playing with your Pets and Come to Dinner." - Said He who Cannot be Named

"Gotta Go... " and Abracadabra He was gone...

and Condi Looked Around and Saw That It Was True... Einstein was Playing Chess with Gandi, Lions were Laying Down with Lambs and Angry Boy Brett was Sucking Donald Trump's Dick...

"Why are those two in Heaven? - wondered Condi - "Oh I get it... Donald is Actually in Hell but he TWEETED That He's in Heaven. Just another LIE like when he said Republicrimes WON the 2018 Election. and in this Crazy Mixed Up BIZARRO-WORLD... Trump's Lies Become Reality"

"Keep on Sucking Brett... You Haven't removed the Chrome off my Trailer Hitch." - Sighed Donald tRUMP...

"Ogga Booga" -said Angry Boy Brett - "Here I Am Down on my KNEES Praying to the One True God Just like I Did in Catholic High School... Sucking a Teacher's Dick, Sucking the 'Resident's Dick... it's all about the same."

---------- to be continued after this commercial message ----------------

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---------- now we return to our previously scheduled program which we were watching ----------

AND THE CLOUDS PARTED AND SUDDENLY... CONDI WAS FALLING...

"HELP, HELP, HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" - Screamed Condi - "I'M MELTING. I mean I'm Falling... "

and then she started FLOATING... and eased back in to the Mecca Bar and Grill... and Faded into Sleep and Had ODD DREAMS...

When she awoke under the table she said: "I Just Had the Oddest Dreams... Where AM I?"

"Well, You are on the FLOOR of the Mecca Bar and Grill... and Those were NOT Odd Dreams... You were Dancing Topless on the Bar... and then You went in the Back Room With all the Members of the Dallas Cowboys Football Team. You're gonna WISH they were Odd Dreams when you get a SURPRISE in about Nine Months. " Said [name withheld for Security Reasons]

"I Don't Feel too Good." Moaned Condi

"Here, try THIS... It's a Great Hangover Cure... " Said [name withheld for Security Reasons]

"Thanks... sssssssssssssssssss.... This Reefer is Sure to Help." Said Condi as She took a Giant Hit

and they floated away... to Never Never Land...

Meanwhile, back at the Bar... the Bartender turned on the TV...

"I want to bring this young man out. We haven't seen him for about six months here on the Tonight Show. But he's a Composer, a Performer, a Philosopher, an Electric Carrot. [laughter] A Charming Guy... Would you welcome Biff Rose... Biff, " [applause] [Jazz Piano] and then he goes into the song "Jesus and Mary Magdalene."

"and that was the Last Time Biff Appeared on the Tonight Show... Maybe Johnny Carson Didn't Like the Song..." Said Mother Jones.

"When did YOU Come in? Mrs Jones Mrs JOOOONES Mrs Jones..." Crooned Billy Paul.

"Oh, I've Been Here for Decades... As Soon as I Finished the Children's March from Philadelphia to the home of Theodore Roosevelt in New York, I Came Here for Happy Hour. and NEVER LEFT. " Said Mother Jones.

"Oh, This Music Sucks. " Said the Bartender as he Changed the Channel.

"Badda Badda Badda Badda Batman" Sang the TV.

"Now THIS is more Like it!" Said the Drunk at the End of the Bar.

"POW!" "Thunk!" "Shazam!" "Biff!" Said the TV.

"Does EVERY Channel Have Biff on it?" Wondered the Wandering Jew...

"Yes!" Cried the Salesman on the Train

"Yes!" Cried the Other Salesman on the Train

"Yes!" Cried the Third Salesman on the Train

"He's a Fake and He Doesn't Know The Territory. Doesn't Know the Territory? He Doesn't Know The Territory" - Sang All Three Salesmen on the Train...

"Whoo-Hoo" - Whistled the Train Whistle.

"Yahoo!" - Yodelled the Search Engine.
[Net and YAHOO! Corrected the Talking Heads on TV] 

"Babaloo!" - Sang Ricky Ricardo.

"Yabba Dabba Doo!" - Shouted Fred Flintstone.

"Doobie Doobie Do." - Sang Frank Sinatra.

"and THAT's the Origin of the name Doobie Brothers..." - Said Pink Anderson

"Oh, That's Not Right. They are Named for the Do Bee on Romper Room." - Said Floyd Council "Because the were like Bees that were always Doing Something."

and everyone started singing... "and you'll Never Walk Alone... You'll NE VAH WA KA LONE."

and then... the Budtender Changed the Channel on the TV...

and the Annoucer said: Tonight on Ike and Tina Turner Classic Movies we present... "BILLY BOB GOES TO WASHINGTON" - Absurdist Fiction by purple64ets... 

Chapter Zero: His life sucked. Billy had just gotten laid off at the factory and no one was hiring. He lived in the Mid West in an area totally destroyed by Trump's Trade War... So, with nothing to lose... he Drove to Washington, DC. Being a Lifelong member of the NRA, he was Armed and Dangerous... and Mad as Hell... 

[announcer Voice Over: This is Just a Silly Story, not a Call for Violet Overgrow... NO, NO, Not That!]

AND... the Drunk under the Table said: "Change the Fucting Channel! This Movie is BORE RING!

CLICK!

and in other Gnus, The Supreme Court Legalized FUCT as a Valid Trademark... No, NO, Not Obscene at all! - Bret Kava Kava NOOGIES finest Hour... 

CLICK!

And Now, we have LADS GONE NATIVE singing their Latest Song!

D
Television is a mirror…
       C        D
with a feedback loop… loop-loop… [2X]
C             G               D
Tuned to the Wish Fulfillment Frequency.
D
Television is a mirror…
       C        D
with a feedback loop… loop-loop… [2X]
C        G              D
Everyone watches and is programmed to be…
C         D
what they see… 
D                   C          D              C D 
What is the strange attraction of Miss White?
     C   G           D
The available caucasian…
D          C                   D       C D 
Riding her Karma Wheel of Fortunado...
C G      D
Into the Station Break...
    
D            F*       D#*           D C D 
TV News is a Hate for Profit Machine.
D            F*       D#*           D C D
Appealing to the Lizard Brain of Viewers.
D            F*       D#*      D C D
Brainwashing Gullible Fools...
D            F*       D#*      D C D
Manufacturing Republicrime Tools... 

[Blues half step] E0 A7 D6 G7 B5 e0 - slide down 
and We'll be Right Back... 
after some freak tries to sell you... 
a chemical that causes Ecstatic Dancing... 
Ask your Doctor about Cosmic Bliss...
AstraZenteca will help pay for your Addiction...
and remember: RoundUP is a Part of This Complete Breakfast!

~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~

and the drunk under the table said: "This is Bizarro World! a guy ON TELEVISION, singing ABOUT TELEVISION..."

CLICK!

and in other GNUS... "CNN, FOX and MSNBC are Hate for Profit Machines."

CLICK!

and now, T0 TH3 M00N, a History of Bitcoin by Max Keiser and Stacy Herbert... Stacy asks: "Well Max, What the FUCT is the POINT of Bitcoin? and Why Doesn't Iran just sell OIL for Bitcoins and Totally avoid US Sanctions?" 

Max Headroom Says: DOOM! It's The End Of The World! Everyone will lose all their Money and we will have to eat ROOTS and BERRIES! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!


CLICK!

This is a Public Service Announcement brought to you by [INSERT NAME HERE] ... 

To Avoid Overcrowding at the Polls: 
Democrats Vote on November 6th.
Republicans Vote on Novemebr 7th.
Set Your Calendar!

CLICK!

[Insert GOOFY Show here] 



~~~~~~~~ to be continued. Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel ~~~~~~~~