'Blue Cheese Gone Bad' - - A Murder Mystery (fiction- not one word is true) by purple64ets - and other stories!

Disclaimer: No, I did not Google the keywords "untraceable poison" at the Public Library using the sign in name "John Smith". You would have to ask Mr. Smith about that.

Prolog: In the beginning, Doggod created the Heavenz and the Dirt. Later, he/she/it would create Blue Cheese... I've always wondered about The First Guy to eat Blue Cheese... It Looks and Smells Poisonous but it's actually really Good! That First Guy had Courage or bad eyesight... or maybe he was just REALLY Hungry.

~~~~~ Clues! ~~~~~

The murder weapon was a kitchen knife that was recently used to cut Blue Cheese. The yeast that makes the cheese blue has a Unique DNA and the poLice were able trace it to the specific company that grew it. Extremely expensive, the cheese was sold at Trendy Yuppie Shops that deliver... and know where you live... and are coming to get you... nyah ha ha ha ha

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter Zero ~~~~~~~~~~

What Do I Do Now, Pam?

Delivery Boy discovered Mr. Body in the Kitchen with a Knife. He called his friend 'All Natural' Pam... She recommended that he NOT call the poLice. He immediately hung up and dialed 911.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Die A Log ~~~~~~~~~~~~

911 Operator Said: "Would You like Fries with That?"

"What?" said Delivery Boy.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you dialed 911 we also do Mickey Dees... What is the nature of your problem?"

"I'd like to report a Dead Body...

"How do you know he's dead?"

"I poked him with an Icicle but he didn't do nothing..."

"Ooooh, that's not good... "

~~~~~~~~~~ later ~~~~~~~~

Officer Faceless Drone pulled the knife out of Mr. Body and said: "Blue Cheese in the Wound." That's a Clue!... Quick, get out my copy of 'Clues for the Clueless' and see if it's listed."

Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone said: "Either Mr. Body or Mr. Stickums must have brought the cheese to the scene of the crime."

Officer Faceless Drone said: "That's True, they are both on our list of suspects... But... What if the Cheese was Not Blue Cheese at All? What if it was just normal cheese that had become infected with a different blue microorganism developed at Aberdeen Proving Grounds? A Secret Untraceable Poison... Military Madness like Castro's Exploding Cigar... or designed diseases like AIDS?  So many questions, and No Ledge to Stand On... deep sigh... "

Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone said: "and..."

"Where is all the Blood?" asked Officer Faceless Drone.

"You're right! This place should look like Andy Warhol was spraying Tomato Soup from a Firehose." Said Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone.

So many Questions... So many Clues... 

"Did you notice the icicles in the sink? Did someone whack Mr Body in the head with an Eye Cycle?"

"Ahh... Blunt Force Trauma... Ya Think? That would mean the Knife Wound was Post-Mortem and not very bloody."

CLUE: The Third Icicle in the Sink has what appears to be Tomato Soup on it. But... Appearances can be Misleading...

"Where are the Cameras?" asked Officer [Faceless Drone]

"That one (mounted in the corner of the room where Mr Body Laid) is covered in Green Slime! As If it had a Close Encounter With the Ectoplasm of the Ungrateful Dead... or maybe someone just barfed on it." Said Officer [Girl from Ipanema Clone]

"I can see why... The room next door to here is filled with Buckets o' Blood... and someone tossed their cookies. Great rivers o'blood, fountains o'blood, waterfalls o'blood, surfable waves o'blood, Sue Nammi's o'blood and virtual oceans o' Jupiter o' blood... dripping... swirling... splashing... and look, to make it all special and so memorable... Tossed Cookies!

Officer [Ipanema Clone] said: "Wait a Second, This isn't Blood, it's Warm Tomato Soup and there is Andy Warhol with a firehose."

Andy says: "At your service, Mam."

Action: and then he Splorched her...

Sound Effect [Splorch]

and then...

Officer [Faceless Drone] asked: "What's that Smell?"

CODE::: {Insert HTML Dropdown menu of Bad Smells.}
<select>
  <option value="dead alien">Dead Alien in the Dumpster</option>
  <option value="Odorama">Odorama Theater after the Movie's Over</option>
  <option value="muffins">Dinosaur Meadow Muffins</option>
  <option value="burner">Fire in the TV Studio</option>
</select>
:::~CODE

Pop Up Game Show Host says: "Put on your Magic Sniffer Nose... Can you tell if that odd smell coming from behind Door #1, Door #2, Door #3 or is it a Fire in the TV Studio?"

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #1, The Dead Alien in the Dumpster}

Delivery Boy said: "Look! Mr Body has Miraculously Healed! It was just a tiny wound and hardly bled at all!"

[Everybody Sing] "A Happy Ending or is it just the beginning... Of a New Chapter of our Story. Happy, Happy Endings... Make me sick... Oh, kill him again... Whack him in the head... Oh, kill him again... Make sure he's dead... Happy, Happy Endings make me Sick!"

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #2, An Odorama Theater after the Movie's Over}

Officer Faceless Drone said: "Did you know that Mr Body and Mr Stickums were business partners building the Next Big Thing at their corporation, NBT Inc. It involved pirating research into Next Big Thingism and simply connecting the dots... Like, Is there a Relationship between Chemtrails and SADS? Sudden Adult Death Syndrome... I wonder, Was Mr Body just another victim? and... most importantly... uh... Did any of you just happen to actually Touch Mr Body? uh... Wait a second..."

Officer Faceless Drone dialed 911 and said "we need a Biological HAZMAT team her right now. and NO ONE leaves this site!"

[dramatic pause]

"Oh My God! I'm Infected!"

... to be continued ...

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #3, Dinosaur Meadow Muffins}

[This part of the story needs to be written...]

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select a Fire in the TV Studio}

[This part of the story needs to be written... but...

It will include the Game Show Host screaming FIRE! FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!]

and the thrilling conclusion...
where Officer Faceless Drone reveals who dun it. 

But First!

~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~

OTHER RANDOM PARTS OF THE STORY THAT I WROTE... BACKSTORY... Plot Thickener... Silly Sidetracks...


 The DA supposed that this was not a premeditated murder but a crime of passion. Because no one would plan to "cut the cheese" first and then stick the victim...

[Your Name Here] certainly enjoyed a good blue cheese as much as the NEXT person so [Your Name Here] was put on the list of suspects at the Police Station. Right there! Where everyone could see it. Held in place on the corkboard with a Blood Red Pushpin.

[best friend] said: [insert dialog here]
[Your Name Here] said [insert dialog here] {Repeat}
[best friend] said: [insert dialog here]
[Your Name Here] said "enough talk! Now this is time for Action!"

[insert action here] {Re Peat Again?}

"Let's bring them all into the police station and grill them." Said Drone #42

 "And serve them up with a side order of [insert name = not Fava] beans, rice and a Garnish of Wages." Said Drone #420

List of Characters:
Mr and Mrs Stickums
Mr. Body
Delivery Boy
"All Natural" Pam
Mr Unknown Third Guy
Officer [Faceless Drone]
Officer [Girl from Ipanema Clone]
Officer Drone #42
Officer Drone #420
Passerby #1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13... etc...
FlutterBy #1

Backstory of "All Natural" Pam D. Baskervilles.

Location: Lake Kittamaqundi, Merryland. Plus or Minus a random number added to or subtracted from the Longitude and Attitude.

Action: Mr Stickums Calls the deli... or Maybe it was Mr Unknown Third Guy pretending to be Mr Stickums... Maybe they were singing it? Oh Well, Hello, Deli! This is Joe, Deli, Would you please send up a nice corned beef on rye...

Action: Emma the Cat finds clues in the closet. Including a diary showing times, dates and locations... handy for someone's alibi.

Legal Background: In the Case of Spinal Tap vs Her Majesty the Queen, You may not fingerprint vomit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Quest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's Fun is that I have no Idea WHO DONE IT. I haven't written that part yet... [I have a clue but will not wreck the suspense...]

and Monterey Jack Bursts into Song to the tune "You May Be Right" (It Just Might be a Lunatic you're looking for) by Billy Joel...

"You may be Swiss, You may be Gouda... But It just might be a Cracker you've been looking for... I may be on a Quest... for the Daily Miracle of Food... but you would have to ask John Steinbeck about that! Yadda yadda yadda, Yadda yadda yadda.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Micro Photograph of the Hair of the Doggod that Bit You.

[Use the Celestine... I got some junk mail from KNOM Radio in Nome Alaska... so I'm incorporating unexpected concepts to seed the plot twist engine. ]

The Radio is playing... tuned to a cooking show: "Love the Lard" (It's all about the Biscuits!) ...and then... The Announcer started reading what he thought was the NEWS... but the stage assistant gave him a copy of the CLUES by instead. Totally Boinking The Investigation.

Faceless said: "That just totally Boinks this investigation. "

Ms. Clone replied: Thankfully he wasn't handed a list of the GNUs. OOOH! Stinky!"

I wonder who selected this station? Was it Mr Body or Mrs Body? and What's that horrible noise? said Faceless

"Does it sound like a cross between a Chainsaw and a Gong ong ong ong ng ng ng g g g g g... That's the Station Identification... KNOM Radio, Alaska's Favorite Mugwumps. Generally the play Middle of the Road style programming but this time they really snarfled the garfok! Ho Ho Ho... "

"But Wait, there's more... " Said Officer Mugwump. "Look at Mr Body's Computer! It appears that he has been working on the Next Big Thing! A Base 3 Computer... "

"Whoaaooaaah! Listen to the Music!

It sounds like Ding DING Ding... The NBC Chimes!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLUE ALERT ~~~~~~~~~~~

Got Mail!

But it has been addressed to another person at this same address... a person of Interest shall we say? What If we got All Natural Pam to become a Rat Fink? We could have her help us Grill the Suspect. Officer Drone #42, Arrest The Delivery Boy!" said our hero.

Later... after the arrest, All Natural Pam 'Voluntarily Agrees' to help 'cause... he's so gosh darn cute...

[Editor's Note: For those of you playing along at home, go to the kitchen and get a hot Dawg! With Cheese... This goes beyond Odorama.. it's what we laughingly call "Reality".]

"Hey Andy, Maybe You know... The Strange Case of Dr Frank Olson... Did he fall or was he pushed?"

"Neither, they are all just floating away! Just like Sailor... Red Wine and speed and he just a goes sailing...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~.com

Clue: Delivery Boy has a key to Mr. Body's Apartment. Sometimes used to Boink All Natural Pam. Sometimes used to grill Red Herrings. {secret code word for smoke grass - note the link to an etsy store that sells marble smoking pipes - above}

"Location... Motive... Opportunity... " Said Officer [Faceless Drone]

"Illegitimi Non Corrigendum." Said Drone #42

[Translated: Don't let the Bastards Grind You Down."

"who.ru" asked the shadow... [a Russian website address]

"who, who, Who, Who" came the reply... [lyrics to a song ]

"YOU!" sang the invisible choir... [that's the odd industrial noise I hear all of the time. Kinda like a cross between a teakettle whistle and a gong.]

Action: People dressed in Wedges of Cheese costumes perform a Song and Dance routine at an airport... "I'm Big Blue and this is my friend Brie. We sing the song for ____ _____ _____ ." [rhymes with Free].

Dialog: HI! Jack, How are things in Monterey? Said Big Blue.

Action: All the DHS Agents gathered... years of No Action and Finally... a perp!

Hi, Jack could be misheard as Hijack... to steal an airplane like the Saudi Arabians did on 9/11/2001.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~~~

and now, after years of  PRO - CRASTANATION... Who Done It! ( forget that Amature Crastanation - I'm a PRO)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was The Delivery Boy with a Knife in the Kitchen. AND... He was paid by Mr Body's Son who wanted to get PAID his inheritance early. Those Delivery Boy's will do anything for a Big Tip!

The End. 

But was it really the end? No. The Son of Mr. Body inherited the fortune and he was able to hire a super lawyer and was not convicted at the murder trial. The basic defense was that while The Delivery Boy did the actual murder, there was no proof that The Son paid The Delivery Boy to do the crime. The lawyer argured that It could have been Mrs. Body or The Business Partner... Both had Motive and opportunity. The Delivery Boy said that The Son paid him but... with a good lawyer... that is not enough to get a conviction. 

So, they all went on with their lives except The Delivery Boy. Three years passed and The Delivery Boy was released by his Parole Board. He had time to plan his revenge... 

In his opinion ALL THREE of them deserved to die but they were watching him and had private police forces defending their health. He had to have an alibi and he it would be really great if it looked like an accident. First, The Son must Die... or pay off the Delivery Boy to save his own life... and so, they came to an agreement and The Delivery Boy "Retired" to Hawaii... Living on Maui smoking the Maui Wowie Weed and Hang Gliding... and that worked for years but... he had a naggiing doubt...  why NOT get his revenge?

The years of smoking weed and Hang Gliding had changed his outlook about life and so, he decided to NOT Kill The Son but to simply invite him over to smoke a bowl... They met in Hawaii and "buried the hatchet"... and then they decided to team up once again and "Take Care of" Mom and The Business Partner... and so they all got together and relaxed in Hawaii... Everybody wins! Except for Mr. Body... 

This is THE END. 

~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~

Classic Stories: "THE UMMAGUMMA OF CAMBRIDGE" - by gvan42 - "The Golden Spoon of Montezuma" - "The Origin of Popcorn" and "The Glazier with a Rock" and Trippy Mushroom Drawings!

When the aliens found out that their spaceship was infested with Ummagumma they stopped at the first planet (eARTh) and dumped them. The place was called Stonehenge. The Ummagumma are an annoying life form that supports themselves by petty thievery. They were first reported in Dickens books...you know... Oliver Twist...Pickpockets...They also have an annoying habit of taking things apart and not putting them back. Have you ever noticed that for some unknown reason things just "go on the blink" ? That's the work of the Ummagumma. For centuries they lived in the swamps near Oxford (Cambridge, England - the land of Eng) but one day they walked down to the docks and snuck aboard a boat. When the captain found out that his boat was infested with Ummagumma he stopped in the first port and dumped them. He threw them right overboard and into the San Francisco bay. They swam to shore and quickly blended into the population. You see, they are short and brown and could be mistaken for Chinamen...............................Stay tuned... next time they disassemble Sutro tower in a futile attempt to "call an intergalactic taxi". ............................And then they wander down the coast and climb... Mount UMUNHUM... The giant box on the mountain overlooking the city of Saint Joe. ...................................................The Ummagumma always stowaway and they just had to get off the planet eARTh. This planet's just too boring. Got to get back to the Swinging Planets in the Crab Nebula...That's where all the Fun Is. and so, gentle reader Ta Ta For Now... 

~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~

Psychedelic Poetry - "CEREMONY AND RITUAL" - a story - Fiction - written by Gregory Vanderlaan about a Trip to Philadelphia - Grateful Dead at JFK Stadium and The Spectrum Arena - deadheads: stories from fellow artists

OUR MINDS HAVE BEEN FUSED INTO ONE SHIMMERING

COLONIAL ANIMAL…

FLOWING IN THE

CURRENTS OF THE MUSIC…

adrenaline, serotonin, synapses on fire !

IN THE SHADOWS,TORCHES FLICKER IN THE BREEZE.

THE ORACLE BEGINS TO SPEAK,

FEEL THE HEAT…

adrenaline, serotonin, synapses on fire!

WE DANCE OUTSIDE OF THE TRADITIONAL

REALM OF TIME AND SPACE.

THE CROWD ERUPTS IN OUTBURSTS OF FREE-FORM MOTION

AS THE INTENSITY OF THE JAM PEAKS

adrenaline, serotonin, synapses on fire!

MY BODY IS TRANSFORMED INTO A PINBALL AND

I RICCOCHET AROUND THE SPECTRUM

ARENA BOUNCING OFF THE FLASHING LIGHTS.

A CROWD OF DEADHEADS

SURROUND ME INTENT ON TELLING ME STUPID JOKES…

THEY JUST…know… THAT I WILL LAUGH…

adrenaline, serotonin, synapses on fire!

THANK YOU DR. ALBERT HOFFMAN

***************************************

This was written after attending a Grateful Dead concert in JFK Stadium in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I was sitting up above the crowd in the bleachers and could see the dancers move more enthusiastically during peaks of the music… less motion during gentle passages… as the dynamics of the improvisation ebbed and flowed, the dancers moved accordingly… like sea anemones moving in the currents of the ocean… I also mention the Spectrum in Philadelphia… It has many blinking advertisements for Atlantic city casinos in the area where refreshments were being served…

Trippy Mushroom Drawing by gvan42 - psychedelic Art - psilocybin - magic mushroom - hippy freakout - quest for knowledge - inner space journey - Original Image: Gregory Vanderlaan - copyright free art - Pirate at Will! - more images at gvan42.blogspot.com

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, [Except Blacks and Women] that they are endowed by their Creator [Named Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Odin, Thor, KRSNA, Buddha or a Thousand Other Names] with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” [Unless your Pursuit uses Marijuana or Psychedelics as a Sacrament]  

DANG... So Many Exceptions! Were the Founding Fathers Racist and Sexist Pigs? Betsy Ross Can Sew a Flag While We Manly Men Go Kill Us Some Brits!

Classic Stories: "The Glazier with a Rock" - and - "The Golden Spoon of Montezuma" - and - "The Origin of Popcorn"

"The Glazier with a Rock" 
(a glazier is a person that replaces broken windows)

When I lived in Maryland in an apartment complex with 500 units there was a man who replaced broken windows... When there were no windows to replace he hired children to throw rocks thru windows... Then he had work to do and got paid for replacing the broken windows. This plan is not that unusual... I have heard that firefighters in Trinity County, California often are arsonists... Start a fire, get work as a firefighter...

~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~

"The Golden Spoon of Montezuma" 

 When Cortez arrived in Mexico, he was interested in GOLD. He also wanted to impress the people he met with how rich and powerful his KING was. He told an Indian that his King was so rich that he used a golden spoon for EVERY meal and then discarded it after he was done. His King was so rich that he could afford to THROW AWAY gold. The Indian was not impressed. The Indian said that HIS King was so rich that he could afford to use a NEW GOLDEN SPOON for EVERY BITE! How was this possible? Well, Montezuma used TORTILLAS for a spoon. He would scoop up his food using a tortilla chip (golden spoon) and so he used a new "golden spoon" for each bite. I love telling this story when I'M eating Mexican food at a restaurant.

~~~~~~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~~~~~~

"THE ORIGIN OF POPCORN" 

Way out in the Ozark mountains Sandy Chapin built a house out of rocks.He found an old farmers fence that had fallen down and he just moved it onto his land and stacked it up. Near the front door he put two abalone shells. Here in California, abalone shells are quite common but out there in the Ozarks they caused quite a fuss. The hillbillies came from miles around to see the "pearls as big as a possum". Pretty soon rumors got around that the "pearls" were magic. Folks said that they helped the old folks with their bones on rainy days. You know how people talk around the stove in the general store. Tall tales indeed. They said it was a cure for Rheumatism and arthritis. Then the shepherds got into the act. When they get to talking the stories get exagerated all out of proportion.

Pretty soon animals were lined up down the road all the way to the creek. A mooing and a quacking like you never heard. Barking dogs and oinking pigs. But the old dog 'zeke just lay there on the porch. Night fell and the moonshine appeared. Who brought it? The moonshiners, of course. They cooked it in a still and squeezed the goodness out of the corn. By the light of the moon the corn sparkled. A wind came up and the stalks moved like they were dancing. Waves of motion like they were dancing to a string band. Somebody started a fire to bar b-q a pig and that's when things really started popping. You see, the wind blew the glowing coals out into the field and the cornstalks caught on fire. Pretty soon the whole field was in a conflagration and presto chango ... POPCORN!

Sandy is a real person and does live in the Ozarks with a dog, Zeke in a rock house... 

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