Monday, July 3, 2017

'Blue Cheese Gone Bad' - Penicillium roqueforti - (fiction- not one word is true)

The murder weapon was a kitchen knife recently used to cut Blue Cheese. The yeast that makes the cheese blue has a Unique DNA and was traced to the specific company that grew it. Extremely expensive, the cheese would be sold at Trendy Yuppie Shops that deliver... and know where you live... and are coming to get you... nyah ha ha ha ha

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter Zero ~~~~~~~~~~

What Do I Do Now, Pam?
Delivery Boy discovered Mr. Body in the Kitchen with a Knife. He called his friend 'All Natural' Pam... She recommended that he NOT call the poLice. He immediately hung up and dialed 911.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Die A Log ~~~~~~~~~~~~

911 Operator Said: "Would You like Fries with That?"

"What?" said Delivery Boy.

"Oh, I'm sorry, you dialed 911 we also do Mickey Dees... What is the nature of your problem?"

"I'd like to report a Dead Body...

"How do you know he's dead?"

"I poked him with an Icicle but he didn't do nothing..."

"Ooooh, that's not good... "

~~~~~~~~~~ later ~~~~~~~~

Officer Faceless Drone pulled the knife out of Mr. Body and said: "Blue Cheese in the Wound." That's a Clue!... Quick, get out my copy of 'Clues for the Clueless' and see if it's listed."

Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone said: "Either Mr. Body or Mr. Stickums must have brought the cheese to the scene of the crime."

Officer Faceless Drone said: "That's True, they are both on our list of suspects... But... What if the Cheese was Not Blue Cheese at All? What if it was just normal cheese that had become infected with a different blue microorganism developed at Aberdeen Proving Grounds? A Secret Untraceable Poison... Military Madness like Castro's Exploding Cigar... or designed diseases like AIDS?  So many questions, and No Ledge to Stand On... deep sigh... "

Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone said: "and..."

"Where is all the Blood?" asked Officer Faceless Drone.

"You're right! This place should look like Andy Warhol was spraying Tomato Soup from a Firehose." Said Officer [Girl from] Ipanema Clone.

So many Questions... So many Clues... 
"Did you notice the icicles in the sink? Did someone whack Mr Body in the head with an Eye Cycle?"

"Ahh... Blunt Force Trauma... Ya Think? That would mean the Knife Wound was Post-Mortem and not very bloody."

CLUE: The Third Icicle in the Sink has what appears to be Tomato Soup on it. But... Appearances can be Misleading...

"Where are the Cameras?" asked Officer [Faceless Drone]

"That one (mounted in the corner of the room where Mr Body Laid) is covered in Green Slime! As If it had a Close Encounter With the Ectoplasm of the Ungrateful... or maybe someone just barfed on it." Said Officer [Girl from Ipanema Clone]

"I can see why... The room next door to here is filled with Buckets o' Blood... and someone tossed their cookies. Great rivers o'blood, fountains o'blood, waterfalls o'blood, surfable waves o'blood, Sue Nammi's o'blood and virtual oceans o' Jupiter o' blood... dripping... swirling... splashing... and look, to make it all special and so memorable... Tossed Cookies!

Officer [Ipanema Clone] said: "Wait a Second, This isn't Blood, it's Warm Tomato Soup and there is Andy Warhol with a firehose."

Andy says: "At your service, Mam."

Action: and then he Splorched her...

Sound Effect [Splorch]

and then...

Officer [Faceless Drone] asked: "What's that Smell?"

CODE::: {Insert HTML Dropdown menu of Bad Smells.}
  <option value="alien">Dead Alien in the Dumpster</option>
  <option value="Odorama">Odorama Theater after the Movie's Over</option>
  <option value="muffins">Dinosaur Meadow Muffins</option>
  <option value="burner">Fire in the TV Studio</option>

Pop Up Game Show Host says: "Put on your Magic Sniffer Nose... Can you tell if that odd smell coming from behind Door #1, Door #2, Door #3 or is it a Fire in the TV Studio?"

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #1, The Dead Alien in the Dumpster}

Delivery Boy said: "Look! Mr Body has Miraculously Healed! It was just a tiny wound and hardly bled at all!"

[Everybody Sing] "A Happy Ending or is it just the beginning... Of a New Chapter of our Story. Happy, Happy Endings... Make me sick... Oh, kill him again... Whack him in the head... Oh, kill him again... Make sure he's dead... Happy, Happy Endings make me Sick!"

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #2, An Odorama Theater after the Movie's Over}

Officer Faceless Drone said: "Did you know that Mr Body and Mr Stickums were business partners building the Next Big Thing at their corporation, NBT Inc. It involved pirating research into Next Big Thingism and simply connecting the dots... Like, Is there a Relationship between Chemtrails and SADS? Sudden Adult Death Syndrome... I wonder, Was Mr Body just another victim? and... most importantly... uh... Did any of you just happen to actually Touch Mr Body? uh... Wait a second..."

Officer Faceless Drone dialed 911 and said "we need a Biological HAZMAT team her right now. and NO ONE leaves this site!"

[dramatic pause]

"Oh My God! I'm Infected!"

... to be continued ...

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select Door #3, Dinosaur Meadow Muffins}

[This part of the story needs to be written...]

{Story Branches due to Reader's Choice.}
{Select a Fire in the TV Studio}

[This part of the story needs to be written... but...

It will include the Game Show Host screaming FIRE! FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!FIRE!]

and the thrilling conclusion... 

where Officer Faceless Drone reveals who dun it. 

[This part needs to be written]

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