Ham Radio... Selling Equipment at Radio Shack in the 1990s - I Met a Lot of Interesting and Obsessive People who were Amateurs.

It was Really Fun to Be Introduced to The Ham Radio Culture... a World I Had No Contact With...

Dot Dot Dot DASH DASH DASH Dot Dot Dot (SOS - Save Our Ship)  

One Man Had a "Mobile Command Center" Built into an Old School Bus. His Plan was that When All Communication Failed During an Earthquake, He and His Ham Radio Friends Could Help Firemen, Policemen and the National Guard... A Pretty Likely Occurrence in San Jose, CA... There Have Been Major Earthquakes in San Francisco, Oakland and Los Gatos... or... Maybe this Old Hippie Just wanted a Valid Excuse for Living in a BUS... With a Sure Fire Way to Avoid Police Harassment was to BE Part of the Law Enforcement TEAM... 

We DID Sell Amateur Radios that Require a Licence from the FCC to Operate. We DID NOT Check to see if the Customer HAD a License... or Planned to Have a License... However we Did Inform Every Customer of the NEED for Them to GET a License to Operate the Radio Legally... But anything that Happens OUTSIDE The Store Was NOT Our Responsibility...

Many Ham Radio Operators Who DO Have a License Say That They HUNT DOWN ILLEGAL OPERATORS as a Fun Hobby... Using Triangulation to Locate the Bogus Radio Operator... and Reporting Then to "Friendly Cousin Charlie." Maybe this is a False Story but... Who Knows!

I do know that Getting a License is Difficult. They require that you understand Electrical Engineering and The Basic Physics of How RADIO WORKS... and They also Test Your Speed and Accuracy in Morse Code... I knew a Ham Radio Operator who said the Morse Code Training Helped Him with his Piano Playing... a Deep Understanding of Rhythm... 

A Bigger Problem was Citizens Band Radios with an Illegal Linear Amplifier. CB Radios May Operate without any License BUT there is a Maximum Power Output for legal Radios... Well, People DO Sell Illegal BOOSTERS that allow a CB Radio to Work over VAST Distances... One Customer said he could talk to Guatemala on his CB... It Saved him a LOT of Money on his Telephone Bill... BUT... That much Power Interferes With... TV Reception, AM and FM Radio Reception, Police Band Reception and Fire Truck Communications... THAT'S WHY There is a Limit to the Power Output... FCC Laws... So Everyone Can Play Nice and Share the Airwaves... Those FCC Laws are also the Reason That WOLFMAN JACK Had His Radio Station in Mexico... No Laws to Limit His Broadcast Range. 

One Blessing of Working at Radio Shack was the Requirement That I Learn Electronics Theory... and How things Work. The Corporation Found out that More Products GET SOLD and STAY SOLD if the Clerks Understand Electronics. Selling Someone the Wrong Part Does NOT Make a Profit... It only wastes the Customer's Time and Patience... SO... We Were Required to Study and Pass Tests in 14 Different Subjects... I Learned the Physics of Antenna Design... How A VCR Works... How a TV Works... Etc Etc Etc... FREE COLLEGE ON THE TIMECLOCK... 

Amateur Radio Operators Collect Cards from Each Other Proving that they were able to Contact People Far Away. When they are Chatting, they ask for a Name and Street Address and then Mail a Postcard with the Other Person's Call Sign on it. Then they POST those Cards on the Wall of Their SHACK... 
My Friend Had a card from a Man named Fletcher on Pitcarin Island... a Descendant of the Mutiny on the Bounty... I guess if You Live on an Island in the Middle of the Ocean a Radio would be handy for Contacting People On Different Islands or The Mainland... 

Two Way Radios Either TALK or LISTEN. But Not Both at The Same Time, Like a Telephone. That's Why People say "Over" when they have finished Talking... and they release the BUTTON... People say "10-4" to tell the other person they Heard What their Friend Had to Say and Understood the Words... 

We sold a Lot of Personal Communicators that had a Short Range but 49 MHz FM Quality... They Were Small and Trendy... People Bought them for Communication While Skiing... or Going to The Mall... or Organizing a Stage Show... You Could Wear the Microphone and Speaker on Your Head, and have the Radio Clipped to Your Belt... a Really Trendy High Tech LOOK... 

I remember the Watergate Burglars Used Radio Shack CB Radios to Orchestrate Their Crime... Those Radios DO NOT WORK WELL INSIDE BUILDINGS... In G Gordon Liddy's Book "Will" he complained about the Quality of the Radios... HOWEVER... He Simply Did Not Buy The Right Product... a 49 MHz FM Radio would Have been Wonderful For Their Job... BUT... I Bet Liddy Did Not Explain His Intended USE to The Clerk... Being all HUSH HUSH and Clandestine... Dumbf*ck! His EGO caused His Failure... 

Of Course, all this is Ancient History because Cellphones are What People Use Now... 

"The Path Forward" - 20 Simple Suggestions for Making the World a Better Place to Live... #1. Tax the Rich, Cut Taxes for the 99%. All that Extra Money in People's Paychecks Will Bubble UP Thru The Entire Economy;

2. OUTLAW GERRYMANDERING: That way We Could Have Majority Rule in the USA. In Fact, Most People Prefer Majority Rule... We Tried Corporate Rule and That Was a Disaster!

3. The EPA=Enable Polluters Agency. Let's FLIP The Mission to Protecting the Environment; 4. Legalize Marijuana Nationwide, Tax It and Free All Cannabis Prisoners; 5. Legalize Medicinal Psychedelics; 6. End The Electoral College; 7. Overturn Citizens United; 8.Cut Pentagon Spending in Half; 9. Build Solar Powered Desalination Plants - We Need Fresh Drinking Water!

If YOU Have Any Ideas, Tell Me and I'll Include them in this eBook. gregvan[at]yahoo[dot]com

READ MORE: https://gvan42.blogspot.com/2020/09/what-is-path-forward-we-will-have-great.html

FREE Chart of Where the Notes Are on the Guitar and Piano. Print As Many Copies as You Like and Give 'em to Friends... or Strangers That Are About to Become Friends!

My AutoBiography: Growing Up in Los Gatos, California in the 1960s by Gregory Vanderlaan - and Living in Chico, Washington DC, Eureka and Orangevale.

 https://gvan42.blogspot.com/2018/03/growing-up-in-los-gatos-california-in.html

Here's a Sample Paragraph or Two... 

One peak experience in Los Gatos while I was in High school was attending "The Tower of Power" concert outdoors at the Chateau Liberte... In the Redwoods near Summit Road...  I remember going with my friend Rich Field  ( a trumpet player) to the Concert. We saw how "The Tower" achieved the flute to trumpet blending on the song "Diamonds Sparkling in the Sand". One man walked towards his microphone while the other walked away... both were playing the same note... This amazed Rich as he was a jazz band member at school and this effect was a mystery to him until we saw it done... I also remember that the Hell's Angels and The Gypsy Jokers Motorcycle clubs both arrived at the concert at the same time and I was concerned that there would be violence... so I walked to the other side of the concert as far as possible away from them.... Years later I learned that they OFTEN partied together at the Chateau and my fears were unjustified... and then I rode down the mountain in a convertible sports car... all while I was high on LSD, so every emotion had amplified significance... what a wonderful trip.

~~~~~ (~);-} ~~~~~

I remember playing my harmonica at a school play with Barry Hill. It was called "Sneaky Fitch is Dead" and I had a great time performing... Every new scene had a song to listen to while the actors and stagehands got ready for the next scene... A segue...

We also performed "Hippie from Olema" by the Youngbloods at a talent show in the high school gym. Barry Hill, Rich Field and Nancy King and Rachael Ludlum were also in the band. Washtub Bass, Jug, Guitars. harmonica and Washboard...

We used to play "Keep Away" with a volleyball in the LGHS Pool. Swim Team vs Football Team. We, The Swim Team Always Won because all I Had to do was Hold a Football Player's Head under the water and they Panicked and Released the Volleyball. WIMPS!

Many of the LGHS students performed as "Spearchuckers" and Slaves in the Opera "AIDA" at the San Jose Civic Auditorium. There was a touring opera company and they filled the stage with locals from high school drama departments... They instructed us to move our mouths BUT DO NOT SING... They had a choir that did the singing and we would have just been annoying and off key. Since the big scene we were in was when the hero came back from the Africa with the spoils of war (an elephant and a tiger). We had to cover our bodies with dark brown stage paint... We were supposed to be playing the part of black people but there were no Actual black students at LGHS... I had long blond hair but they just tucked that up under a hat... Big Fun... My girlfriend Liz Dunbar was in the Opera also... and when we got home we took a shower together to wash off the Makeup... 

In 1971, a friend of mine went to San Francisco and went to the Fillmore West and came back to our high school and said... LET"S BUILD OUR OWN using the old mill in the center of town. We formed an organization called "Youth Unlimited" and got the Town to Sponsor Us with $1 per year rent for Forbes Mill. 

That was the beginning of The Forbes Mill Teen Club in Los Gatos California... We had a light show and electric rock music every weekend... On Wednesday nights we performed folk music.  I was the head of security and did advertising posters. I used the mimeograph machine at the High School to print the posters for upcoming shows...

"Youth Unlimited" first held a concert in the Rec Room of the Presbyterian Church next to Old Town on University Ave. There was a live rock band that featured a saxophone player with an electric sax. We also formed a drum circle outside with me playing harmonica and a couple of guitar players. 

Since we had Town sponsorship of our "Teen Club" thru the organization Youth Unlimited, we had to make sure no laws were being broken at Forbes Mill or the police would shut us down. Certainly no drinking or illegal drug use or housing of runaways. My take on law enforcement was to direct potential lawbreakers to the nearby hole in the fence that lead to the wooded area next to the freeway.  I admit that a lot of laws were broken on State of California property, but that was NOT MY CONCERN. I was responsible for making sure that OUR property was crime free.

The light show was created by using four slide projectors and two spinning wheels with variable speed motors that blocked the light from reaching the white wall behind the bandstand. Each cardboard wheel had holes cut into it so that the slides would be projected in a stroboscopic manner.  Some slides were abstract art created by "crystal craze" paint and others were photographs.

We also owned a strobe light and I learned to not point it at the electric organ player because the blinking light made it impossible to see which keys were black and which were white...

"Youth Unlimited" also built a crisis center called Fre-Ba-ZAK House. 

 It was in an old wooden home on North Santa Cruz Ave. The idea was to have a place for runaways to have a safe location to negotiate with their parents. Kids that had nowhere else to go could go there ... My friend Richard Bergholdt worked there as a counselor. I used to go there because it was a fun place to go talk with other classmates... I remember drinking coffee and discussing weighty subjects late at night. One time I went there because I couldn't go home. I had gone to the Ike and Tina Turner concert at the San Jose Convention Center and took a Large Dose of LSD. I had to wait until my parents went to sleep before going home. It was a great concert and I remember that MANY of the students at LGHS went. I also remember listening to the FM radio there. Talks by Alan Watts about Buddhism... and the story "The Cave" by Plato. There were some totally free radio stations then. They had the freedom of selecting what to play and when to play it. I heard "Space Hymn" by Lothar and the Hand People at Fre-Ba-ZAK House.

In the 1960s I made tie dyed shirts using rubber bands and boiling the dye... one color... RIT brand named dye... Mom sewed a shirt with bell sleeves and a Nehru collar... I wore it with a bell around my neck. Like, totally "mod" like the fashion that was popular with the teenagers in England... 

READ MORE:

 https://gvan42.blogspot.com/2018/03/growing-up-in-los-gatos-california-in.html

What Happens When You Point a Video Camera at the Monitor That Is Displaying What The Camera Sees? Runaway Visual Echo... Technical Name is Video Feedback Loop...

The Basic Idea was written about in a Book Called Godel, Escher Bach by Douglas Hofstadter.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_feedback

While I was working as a clerk at Radio Shack, I Had use of all that equipment... after the store was closed... I payed with this idea and had a lot of fun...

Ham Radio... Selling Equipment at Radio Shack in the 1990s - I Met a Lot of Interesting and Obsessive People who were Amateurs.

It was Really Fun to Be Introduced to The Ham Radio Culture... a World I Had No Contact With...

Dot Dot Dot DASH DASH DASH Dot Dot Dot... SOS...  

Link to More About Ham Radio Operators...

https://gvan42.blogspot.com/2020/05/ham-radio-selling-equipment-at-radio.html

While Working at the Quito Road Radio Shack in Saratoga, CA I sold 65 Packages of Hearing Aid Batteries Every Three Months to a Man Exporting Them to Poland.

Hundreds of People Could Hear... Impossible to Buy There... Maybe it was Czechoslovakia... Whatever... This is MY RIGHT LIVELIHOOD... 

I also Sold an Entire Recording Studio (microphones, tape recorder, mixing board) to a Lady doing an Interview Radio Show on Alternative Medicine for KARA in Santa Clara. She felt the people would be more relaxed and talkative is the interviews were held in her home... 

We failed to sell a Stopwatch to the Head Coach of the 49ers Football Team. The one we had in stock was the Complex, Muti -Function Watch and he wanted the Simple One... We found what he wanted at the Next store down the road... and He bought it there... 

I was also involved in PREDICTING THE FUTURE. The Question was "What will people want to buy Six Months from now?" My Opinions were passed on to Corporate Headquarters in Fort Worth, Texas by my Boss, Carol. She was often asked her opinion because she could tell them "What Women Want." - Since 40% of the money at "The Shack" was spent by women... Knowing what Women Want is Important. She asked for Multi-Color Telephones... Before, all phones were Black... but with the Invention of "The Princess Phone" we switched to a Rainbow of Pastels... 

A Benefit of working at Radio Shack was the EDUCATION required by Corporate to keep your job as a salesman. We studied 14 different subjects and had to pass a test. "How a VCR Works", "Antenna Design", "Computer Science" and "Marketing FUN-da-mentals."  No Matter What, I still remember How a Radio Works and How a TV Works etc etc etc...

I was driving down Union Ave from the Unemployment office after a frustrating day looking for a Job and I Saw The Radio Shack and said to myself -"Hell, I Can Do THAT!" - and I was Hired. I found out later that they hire almost everyone and fire those that fail quickly. I did not fail and Rode That Horse for SIX Years... Eventually getting fired for drinking on the job BUT, I did buy $6,000 worth of Stock which paid for a Four Month Vacation in Chico, CA where I attended Three AA Meetings a Day, Played my Guitar on the Street for Tips, Met my Wife and Got a Job at WREX Plastics making Wheelchair Wheels, Vending Machine Parts and Swim Fins. What a Blessing Getting fired was... Remember: It's All Just Grist For The Mill. (A Book by Ram Dass) https://www.amazon.com/Grist-Mill-Awakening-Ram-Dass/dp/0062235915 

Digital Lotus Card for sale... 

Two Sided Card... Unfold and Thumbtack it to Your Wall for an Instant Visual Mantra... Just Look at it and You are Blessed With Bliss!

Click on the Picture to see the Back Side Art!

Digital Lotus Card
by gregvan

Digital Lotus Mug for sale... 

Instant Visual Mantra... Just Look at it and You are Blessed With Bliss!

Digital Lotus Mug
by gregvan

Original Art For Sale...
and there is a different picture on the back of the Greeting Card... a Rainbow Spiral...

"Art in the Time of Coronavirus" Holiday Card
by gregvan

I worked at Radio Shack in San Jose during the 1990's. After I left Maryland I drove to my parent's house and started working at the Shack.

 It was a very social job and I was paid commission to sell electronic stuff. One technique for selling more stuff was to draw diagrams for the customers who wanted to set up cable TV systems. The local cable company had two wires entering the house... some channels were on cable "A" and others were on cable "B". In order to distribute the cable TV signal to different rooms in a house was a rather complicated system. However, I knew how and could draw diagrams for the customer to follow... and... I just went around the store and collected everything they needed, took it to the cash register and rang it up. These people would tell their neighbors and friends to go see me and I got a lot of business that way. My years playing guitar and synthesizer music also lead to increased sales as I could recommend equipment that would allow customers to accomplish their dreams. It was fun to work there, sort of like an endless party. I drank a lot of booze during those years. A relaxed and friendly salesman sells more stuff.

We sold the most advanced personal computer at the time. It was called "The Sensation" and it had the first CD-Rom disk drive in a PC. I sold one system to a fellow that made computer games. He wanted to test drive his CD-Rom game product. Another self made millionaire to shop at our store bought a hundred magnets every year to give away at his lectures to third grade students. He hoped to give them a lasting remiinder of the wonders of science... hopefully to inspire future engineers. Another customer bought a Sensation Computer in order to write a product review for the Silicon Valley Computer Society Newsletter. That society originally was called The Home Brew Club and was started by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniac. This customer also created a talking dictionary on a CD-Rom. The first of it's kind.

Wozniac built a museum in downtown San Jose and it was fun. Designed to appeal to elementary school students it had many interactive games and toys. One was a TV time travel device that randomly filmed the patrons of the museum and them merged those films into a kaleidoscopic show.

Read more of my AutoBiography at: http://gvan42.blogspot.com/2018/03/growing-up-in-los-gatos-california-in.html

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING SINCE 1974?" Answered in 2002.

asked by Jim, my college roommate. some random biographical answers to an email.

I live in Eureka, California now. I'm a computer student at Humboldt State University. After Chico State in '73 and '74, I went back to my Mom and Dad and got a job at an art store. Married the clerk in the shop next door. Went to West Valley Junior College and learned to be an electronics draftsman. She graduated from college and we went to WASHINGTON DC. She worked for the National Security Agency as a Russian Transcriber and I worked in a small computer company. We got divorced. I stayed in DC for 12 years. I played music synthesizer with a bunch of computer nerds on the weekends. For years we had a random jam session with people in my friends basement. You never knew who would show up. This was a big part of my life. We often played all night long and would come out of the music room in the light of dawn. I also played guitar with lots of echo echo echo and effects. After years in the electronics industry I dropped out because of executive stress and worked for Domino's Pizza as a driver. It was a good life. Stoned on marijuana all day every day... free pizza... Eventually I had a customer move into my condo and she and I and her 6 year old daughter lived together in domestic bliss. After that romance ended I came back to San Jose and spent 6 years working for Radio Shack and living in rented houses with a bunch of other men. Not a gay thing, Just bachelors sharing rent. Mostly computer nerds. Some times women and children in group homes. Then I got fired from radio shack for stealing money and drinking on the job. I had figured out how to embezzle money from the company and did that for 5 years. I moved to CHICO and took a ONE YEAR VACATION. I joined the Alcoholics Anonymous group there and got healthy. As a matter of fact, the embezzling allowed me to keep a lot of money and that paid all my bills for a year. I spent a lot of time playing music in public with a random assortment of college kids and other AA members. We would stand on the streetcorner and play for spare change. I met my current wife at CHICO AA. I got a job at a plastic factory as a machine operator. After a year of that work I figured out how to get student loans and moved to Eureka.
Dear Jim: How did you find me? I can see from your email that you have visited one of my websites. Actually, that Radio shack photo (of me) does not show the extremely long hair that I wore at that time. My ponytail is hidden in that picture. I heard that TOM LAMPKIN (my roommate at 6th and Ivy) became the chemistry teacher an Chico High School. I heard that from one of the kids that I played music with in the park. Another important thing in my life is that I learned to play acoustic guitar and sing classic rock/folk songs. I have collected the chord changes and lyrics to 200 songs. They are kept in 4 spiral notebooks that live in my guitar case. Beatles, Doors, Grateful Dead, Eagles, Woodie Guthrie, Jimmie Buffet... I go to peoples homes, public parks, streets, and pull out my songbooks and lead group sing alongs. I'm sure you can relate. One high point in my life was when I was living in Washington DC and I had just gotten fired from a high paying electronics job. I took EIGHT (8) months off from work and went into my home recording studio. I had many synthesizers, guitars, a four track tape recorder and a drum machine. There was a tremendous amount of Afghanistan Hashish. [The Russians were fighting the Afghans and we financially supported the "Freedom Fighters" by purchasing their Hashish.] My friends and I recorded a demo tape and tried to sell it in New York City. We wanted to make background music for corporate video. There is a market for techno-pop soundtracks and we had an agent but never made a sale. AT LEAST I GAVE IT MY BEST SHOT!!! Some lyrics I wrote are online at angelfire homepage the words are down at the bottom of the page... Recently I've gotten into photography because I can put pictures on the internet. Some pictures are at geocities homepage for gregvan [now vanished as Yahoo closed Geocities]

THAT HETCH HETCHY TRIP WAS A MAJOR EVENT IN MY LIFE. (a camping trip with Jim French, Jimmie Dewhurst and Mike Bilinski in 1974.) Since I almost died when I slipped into the river, it has given me great emotional questions about the meaning of LIFE. The fact that I DID NOT DIE at age 19 has made me grateful for every moment since. Maybe there is some reason for my existence, some big task that needed to be accomplished. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON I WAS GIVEN THE GIFT OF LIFE. I feel that the reason is that I should DO SOMETHING USEFUL to make the world a better place to live. I made a difference when I was working at Radio Shack. I helped thousands of people solve their electronic problems. For example: I sold thousands of hearing aid batteries to people in Czechoslovakia. Many people could hear because of me. At the plastic factory I made wheels for wheelchairs. Thousands of people are rolling around right now because of me. It is not much, but at least I did SOMETHING. That experience at Hetch Hetchy was truly unique. I was stoned on LSD and PEYOTE and met death FACE TO FACE underwater. I also had the blessing of attending 37 grateful dead concerts and two rainbow gatherings. What a lucky fellow I am. Hundreds of Acid trips... The last one was at an anti-war protest march in Washington DC when George Bush SENIOR was fighting the GULF WAR. I was interviewed on television. My next door neighbor said I made a jackass of myself on the evening news. I am very proud of that. She was a conservative republican and I know that if I pissed her off I must have been doing the right thing...We spent a lot of time playing the drums in Lafayette park across the street from the White House. The idea was to make a lot of noise and disturb George Bush's sleep. A guy from Kodiak Alaska loaned me a MARCHING BAND BASS DRUM and for hours I lead 30 people in a drum circle. HEY, maybe we shortened the gulf war by reminding George Bush that some drummers thought he was an idiot... AT LEAST I DID SOMETHING...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.com

Something my Mom taught me...

Mom said that there is a concept called "self fufilling prophesy". Her example: If you get a TATOO that says "BORN TO LOSE" you will. Be careful what you believe. Your beliefs can influence your future... If you find that your beliefs are wrong, change them... THINK FOR YOURSELF !

I was thinking about this because I was at an AA meeting and one of the other people was talking about the FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS OF BUDHISM. The person talking actually got the "TRUTHS" totally wrong but it did make me think...

A concept that always seemed idiotic is: PREMARITAL SEX IS A SIN. Someone in a Christian Church expressed this ABSURD philosophy to me. They seemed to feel that people should not do things that are a "SIN". INSANE! I have TESTED their belief and found out that they are INCORRECT. IT IS BIG FUN! Avoid believing Religions that teach concepts that are OBVIOUSLY FALSE. THINK FOR YOURSELF... I wonder if this is REALLY in the Bible or did some preacher JUST MADE IT UP?

There are some aspects of Christianity that make NO sense. For example: Forgiveness of sin. They say that if you commit a sin and then ask for forgiveness, then you can go to heaven. RIDICULOUS! No wonder it is the preferred religion of the MAFIA! Check out how this works... On Monday, a person sells heroin to elementary school kids. On Tuesday, a person goes to church and says: "Forgive me father for I have sinned"... PRESTO=CHANGO all is forgiven and that person can go to heaven. On Wednesday, that person commits murder. On Thursday, he goes to church and say: "aw shucks, I sinned again... forgive me daddy"... a MIRACLE HAPPENS AND THE MURDERER IS FORGIVEN AND CAN SING WITH THE ANGELS FOR ALL ETERNITY... On Friday, the person HAS SEX with an adult that he is not married to... They have BIG FUN... On Saturday, they Have SEX again, because they really like to. On Sunday, they both go to Church and say: "forgive us father, for we had FUN". THE PRIEST (a known pedophile) says all is forgiven and they all go to Heaven. On Monday, The MAFIA guy sells heroin to elementary school kids, the Priest *&*##$@*** the kids and the weekly cycle continues... WHAT AN ABSURD SYSTEM...It seems to me that we ought to PUNISH murderers... NOT FORGIVE THEM !

AVOID BELIEF SYSTEMS THAT ARE OBVIOUSLY FALSE.
A better system would be to take people that DO BAD THINGS and reincarnate them as a flea. Then they would have to live a thousand lifetimes as a flea before they got promoted to human. KARMA. "My Karma ran over your Dogma"...
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I like the practice of communion... You eat a sacred wafer and meet GOD. I've done that. It works! At MY CHURCH, we eat a wafer that is laced with LSD-25... 
Yes, its true, I have met GOD personally. MY CHURCH WORKS... If you have not met GOD, discard your obsolete religion and get one that ACTUALLY WORKS... DUH!

The Four Noble Truths Of Budhism
The First Noble Truth - THE EXISTENCE OF IMPERMANENCE - "Dukkha"
Nothing lasts forever. Understand this and be not attached to what you are experiencing, otherwise you will experience suffering. When you experience happiness know that it is a reaction to circumstance and it is not a permanent state. Conversely, when you are suffering know that it shall not be eternal.
The Second Noble Truth - THE ARISING OF SUFFERING BECAUSE OF CRAVING - "Samudaya"
Craving sensory stimulation, craving existence, and craving non-existence give rise to the continuity of being, and with it its attendant suffering. Attaining a state of non-craving should be part of your daily effort.
The Third Noble Truth - THE CESSATION OF SUFFERING - "Nirodha"
One can end eternal suffering by ending the craving that leads to the continuation of suffering.
The Fourth Noble Truth - THE MIDDLE WAY, or THE NOBLE EIGHTFOLD PATH -"Magga"